How many times have you looked at you angelic offspring and wondered why they have suddenly turned into a little monster?

At times most children will display some form of unacceptable behaviour. It may present itself as something trivial to others, but to you, the parent, it can drive you to distraction. A refusal to wear a certain item of clothing, a dislike to having hair combed / washed etc. Simple things that can grow into a major battle, on a day to day basis. These are, of course, behaviours that are much more important and make life difficult for everyone concerned.

Meal times become unpleasant, bedtime turns into a situation equal to World War 3! And dare I mention shopping! Supermarkets have been known to make grown men tremble when accompanied by their offspring. Does the phase “will you stop that” ring a bell? Repeated over and over, or perhaps just shouting the childs' name eg.B-I-L-LY!

Have you explained why they should “stop that!” or why you are screaming their name? The more often this is done, the more the child will get use to these phrases and completely ignore you. Children learn so much in their first five years, and absorb vast amounts of information, that there is no reason for them not to be able to learn good behaviour, or is it that bad behaviour will get them so much more adult attention? Imagine this scene. Parents tell their two children it’s time for bed. One child goes through the nightly routine as usual, with no fuss. The other child will not comply with any requests at all and just becomes very loud and very angry. Who then, gets Mum and Dad’s attention?

They are so busy trying to control the display of bad behaviour; they are ignoring the other child who has done the right thing. So you can understand that if a child is being ignored for being good what’s the point in behaving properly/. Also it is worth noting that, to hear and see Mum and Dad getting upset and angry can be very distressing for a child who has done nothing wrong. So we end up with a very unhappy household. We can work on any piece of undesirable behaviour if we stay calm and try to remember to ignore (as far as possible) the bad and reward the good behaviour. It would be impossible to ignore a child who could be a danger to himself or others, especially if he / she is stuffing the cat in the washing machine! The first thing is to identify why and when the unacceptable behaviour occurs. Lets take for example, a very simple task that Mum has asked her child to perform. The whole contents of the toy box are covering the living room floor. When asked to pick them up at the end of play the child refuse, shouts and screams. Mum gets angry and shouts back, the noise level is going up, the situation is getting out of control and the child has succeeded in getting Mums’ full attention, but for all the wrong reasons.

This scenario could be avoided by approaching it differently from the beginning. Another way of approaching the same simple task would be Mum saying something like “ it’s time to pick you toys up, lets do it together and see who can put the most toys in the box”. Not only has this tiresome task turned into a more pleasant time, it could also incorporate a counting game, and along with a promise of a reward for collecting the most toys, it has turned into a fun thing to do. The child has done what was asked, and received Mums’ attention for doing the right thing and gained a reward at the end. If this routine is carried out daily making this a good time of day, then pretty soon, the child will complete the task alone and proudly tell Mum “I did it by myself”. Never forget to reward good behaviour. A child likes to be praised for his efforts and enjoys the feeling of being proud of his or herself. A reward system can be implemented in many ways. No reward will be worth working for if it doesn’t mean very much to the child. Rewards can be given immediately, this would probably appeal to a younger child, or something to save for or work towards, for an older child. All these things need to be discussed with the child and agreeable to you both. The child is told calmly and quietly that a particular piece of bad behaviour is upsetting and not very pleasant, but reassured that they can be helped to behave a bit better so that everyone will be happy. Discuss a reward that can be gained by doing the right thing and that help will be given to remind him / her of the reward to come, if the child starts to forget. For an older child, using a chart on the wall, that can be seen by everyone, and choosing stickers together to put on the chart will get parent and child off to a good start.

For a young child, an immediate reward may be more appropriate. Each time the child does as asked, he/she would get, for example, a coloured peg to put in their ‘special jar’. At the end of a day or whatever time is decided on by parent and child, the pegs are counted and exchanged for various rewards that have been previously decided. A list of rewards should be made for the different number of pegs that can be earned. This way, providing the child has earned at least one peg, all is not lost, and along with a small reward, praise is given for trying hard, with the assurance that it could be a better day tomorrow.

The list is endless on how a child can be helped in understanding that some bad or naughty behaviour can go away. By using material rewards, to giving undivided attention for good behaviour, like a special trip to the park, or maybe going for a milkshake if this is something that isn’t usually done, When parent and child are out enjoying the reward, the thing to remember, is that the child is told how wonderful that the reward has been earned and how both parents and child are having a nice time. With some thought, effort and patience, the undesirable behaviour can become a thing of the past.

by Joan Draycott