Whenever I asked for advice in the past the answer would be “oh they've reached that funny age!” Quite honestly I didn’t find anything remotely funny when faced with ‘the terrible twos’ or a five year old who would do anything rather than go to school, stating daily that “I want to stay with Mummy”. On reflection, all those stages were wonderful compared with, dare I mention it? The Teenager!!!

When did it happen? we ask ourselves. Surely it was only yesterday when they could smile, hold a conversation and were pleasant. It seems overnight the change took place. They seemed to have lost the power of speech, who grunted, and thought it totally uncool to smile, and even admit they were still a member of the family. One thing is clear though, whatever you say or do is “so unfair”.

Now we are faced with, not our darling Daughter, or our fun loving Son, but complete aliens! The hardest lesson, we, as parents have to learn is to stay calm, and try the best we can to converse with our young teenagers in a manner that will pave the way to a normal peaceful life.
Children who have reached this difficult age are as confused as we are, and need all the help & guidance we can give them.

Three good rules to live by are:
1) Don’t try to be their friend. They have their own friends and anyway they will tell you, you don’t understand because your too OLD!!
2) Try not to nag! They will take delight in this and will take great pleasure in telling their friends how awful you are.
3) Remember to try and win there respect. We, as adults want respect from our offspring, so don’t let it become one-sided. Respect has to be taught and earned. When you want to go into your child's room, knock.

Explain that it is only right to be offered to come in, and like wise, if you are in your room, you expect the same thoughtfulness from them.
A good way of conversing with a teenage daughter is to involve their friends. Have a general chat with your daughter about hair, make-up, nails and fashions, without criticising. Suggest that she might like to invite a few friends over for a girly night in. They could then practice make-up, hair styles etc. When they arrive and are doing their own thing, mention casually that just for fun you volunteer to be a model for them to practice on. Sit there an suffer! Whilst they do their worst. Have nibbles and soft drinks available and let your daughter be the hostess. With your ‘funky hair and makeup’, you’ll be known as the coolest Mum around. Like-wise your Son. If he has a particular interest and has friends the same, talk about it and suggest they would be welcome over one evening. Let the boys do their own thing, but make yourself available to dish up food which has been decided on beforehand. (so as not to embarrass your son. Please don’t suggest jelly and custard). Stay in the background, be available if needed, but rest assured, your Son’s friends will think you’re the greatest, and getting them on your side, your on your way to winning.

Sometimes a child can become rebellious and it is then we have to step in and try to sort things out before it gets out of control.

Lets take for example, a boy of fourteen. Although still a child he is feeling grown-up, but is acting roublesome. Arguing, shouting or maybe bullying a younger sibling. This is the time to act, by suggesting a system whereby, by curbing on unacceptable behaviour the child is able to earn a ‘reward’ for doing the right thing. This could be a trip to the cinema or bowling. Ask what he would like to earn. Set a time limit that is acceptable to you both to earn the reward. If he is able to take a friend, so much the better. It will make him work harder to achieve his goal. If bullying or shouting at a younger sibling is the problem, make times when he could amuse the youngster whilst you are busy. If successful tell him immediately how well he did, and how grateful you are. Put X amount of money in a jar towards the promised trip or other reward. Place the jar where it can be seen by all. Ensure he is told frequently how well he is doing and how pleased you are.

Children need to feel the sense of pride. When the day comes to ‘spend’ the reward, tell him he has proved you wrong. It was a hard task to do, and he coped brilliantly. He will feel so proud of himself by taking a friend for a treat, don’t be surprised if he asks if he could do it again. The key to most family problems is to talk to each other. You never know, you could become known as the coolest parents around!

by Joan Draycott